More Mephits
Welcome back to Foursaken Feature, the column devoted to the fourth and most recent incarnation of the classic Dungeons and Dragons. Today’s offering was going to be absolutely groundbreaking—three new classes and seven new races—but, unfortunately, some mephits got loose in our lab, which unfortunately burned to the ground. We’re glad to report that the little buggers were all rounded up and contained—as opposed to being released to wreak havoc on the general populace—but we just don’t have the storage space for them (and, truth be told, they’re kind of a nuisance to have around), so we’re giving them away for free. Want a mephit? Here, have four!
Ice Mephits:
Many mistake the ice mephit’s translucent, blue-white bodies as actually being made of ice—a mistake made even easier due to the fact that they radiate cold. Their features are exceptionally angular and jagged, as though icicles hang from various parts of their bodies. Many ice mephits have exceptionally long, pointed noses and thin, conical beards which also resemble icicles.
As cold as their bodies are, their hearts are even colder. The most callous and cruel of all mephits, ice mephits are well known for their love of torture and worse acts of cruelty, and seem to possess absolutely no regard or concern for the feelings or well-beings of others. Disdainful even of their own kind, they prefer to act (and, generally, be) alone.
Ice mephits are sent primarily as a message of forbiddance. The exact nature of the forbiddance can vary, but typically it serves as a general warning to stay away from the sender and everything and everyone the sender is close to. The ice mephit can also serve to sever ties with someone you were previously allied or associated with, indicating that you are “freezing them out.” As servants, ice mephits are used primarily to keep things chilled, like foodstuffs or spell components which might be sensitive to heat.
Magma Mephits:
A magma mephit’s body is composed primarily of lava—or at least it appears to be. No scholar has been able to study the body of a magma mephit very effectively, but one school of thought is that the molten material comprising the mephit’s body is in fact molten flesh, rather than molten rock. They are built thicker and sturdier than most mephits, but lack wings and are unable to fly. They can, however, transform their body into a formless pool of magma (some sages argue this is less a “transformation” and simply the natural resting state of a magma mephit).
Magma mephits are among the least intelligent of mephitkind, which is certainly saying something. Their slow wits make them the brunt of many cruel jokes, especially from other mephits, and magma mephits who realize that they are being teased are prone to explosive fits of anger. If treated with respect, however, magma mephits are much more patient and mild-mannered than most of their kin.
A magma mephit is sent to convey that the sender is growing impatient, with undertones that if they don’t get what they want soon, they may move on to more destructive methods of acquiring it. Though they are usually sent to pressure victims of loan-sharks, racketeers, and blackmailers into paying up, they can also be sent to an ally who is dawdling or otherwise taking too long, or, in some cases, as a particularly tongue-in-cheek taunt to an enemy who has yet to make good on his or her threats. Magma mephit servants are most commonly employed as guards or other forms of “muscle,” but can also be used for more heavy-duty heating purposes or in forges.
Ooze Mephits:
An ooze mephit’s body is made of a sickly green-brown ichor, which they drip constantly everywhere they go. They universally smell of filth and sewage, though it isn’t entirely clear whether this is due to their physiology or their choice of locales. To add insult to injury, an ooze mephit’s slime is exceptionally resilient, making it almost impossible to remove the stains they leave in their wake.
Most find an ooze mephit’s personality as repugnant as its body, though a surprisingly large number of wizards fall prey to the ooze mephit’s constant and shameless flattery. As one might expect of creatures with gunk for mouths, their voices have a slimy, unctuous quality to them, which only serves to emphasize their habit of constantly “buttering up” anyone and everyone they meet, a process which almost universally ends in a request for some favor or another, usually a “loan” of however much gold the creature thinks it can get.
An ooze mephit is typically sent to indicate that the sender wants something from the recipient, and that they want to discuss a trade or other agreement (as opposed to simply demanding that the recipient capitulate, a sentiment better expressed with other mephits). Unlike most mephits, an ooze mephit is typically sent inside some kind of waterproof container, as the sender usually doesn’t want to offend the recipient with muck stains. Ooze mephits have few uses as servants, though they tend to find their way towards sewage work and other unclean and unpleasant tasks, mostly because there isn’t much point in cleaning them and they are unlikely to complain about the smell.
Smoke Mephits:
A smoke mephit’s body is only semi-solid, offering little more resistance than a thick cloud. They are almost universally fat (“overweight” would be a more polite term, but not nearly as accurate), though it is unclear whether this is a function of their race or their behavior. Though smoke mephits usually appear as a smoky grey or black color, they can become invisible for short times, a skill they typically employ in avoiding work.
Indeed, smoke mephits are perhaps the laziest example of mephitkind, and generally do anything in their power to avoid doing an honest day’s work. They have a particularly strong love of creature comforts (even for a mephit), especially tobacco and similar substances. Left to their own devices, the most strenuous activity a smoke mephit is likely to participate in is a game of cards, or possibly the pilfering of some fine tobacco or drink.
A smoke mephit is sent to convey a deep sense of contempt, and there are few mephits as insulting to receive as a smoke mephit. Though the sending of a smoke mephit typically results in a bitter feud, the mephit itself is not so much a declaration of war as a statement of insolence. As servants, smoke mephits are notoriously unreliable, so those mages who do keep them typically do so only to have someone to talk to (or play a friendly game of cards with), rather than as actual servants. Particularly powerful, imposing, or just plain patient mages have been known to motivate these mephits to actually do some work, in which case they tend to make good spies and thieves.
